Review - I don't want to be crazy

Title: I don't wat to be crazy
Author: Samantha Schutz
Publisher: Scholastic
Release Date: February 1st 2010 (first release on July 1st 2006)

My Rating:

A harrowing, remarkable poetry memoir about one girl's struggle with anxiety disorder. This is a true story of growing up, breaking down, and coming to grips with a psychological disorder.

When Samantha Schutz first left home for college, she was excited by the possibilities -- freedom from parents, freedom from a boyfriend who was reckless with her affections, freedom from the person she was supposed to be. At first, she revelled in the independence ... but as pressures increased , she began to suffer anxiety attacks that would leave her mentally shaken and physically incapacitated. Thus began a hard road of discovery and coping, powerfully rendered in this poetry memoir.

My Thoughts

Reading this book was sort of a self-discovery experience for me since I suffer from both major depression and anxiety. I could really connect with the author and actually relate to her experiences through out her 'diary', which allowed me to feel not so lonely.

Anxiety is commonly dismissed as shyness or overreacting but if you suffer from it or know someone who does you know the truth about it. Anxiety, as most mental diseases, is a very serious issue and Samantha allows us to see it through her writing.

I consider Samantha Schutz a very brave woman for being able to share this difficult time of her life. It must have been extremely hard not only to put it down to words but also having to listen to negative reviews about it. But at the end of the day I feel like Samantha has helped a lot of people feel like they are not alone in this struggle. And sometimes feeling like you are not alone is enough.

Here's a passage that says a lot to me and about me:

"I am not happy.
I am not unhappy.
I am frozen somewhere in the middle
that is so much worse.
Nothing is happening
and I am getting more and more sad."

This to me describes exactly what is feels like to be depressed - most of the time. It is very hard to put down to words what it feels like living with this mental disorder but Samantha does a hell of job with her writing.

"I am so lonely.
Every day is the same—
trying to move slower than the rest,
to not be so angry,
so serious in the morning,
to not make myself crazy."

I found myself crying a lot through out this book, because it felt so close to home. It felt like she as writing about me, like she entered my mind and stole my thoughts and wrote a book about it.

"I don’t think that I am happy,
but then again, I don’t know.
Sometimes I get so caught up
in the process of living—
of eating, dressing, taking the train to work,
that I don’t give it enough thought.
Maybe happiness is being content.
But is this really it?"

I would recommend this book to anyone who lives with depression/anxiety or that simply wants to understand a bit more about it.

I should apologize for my review on this book, because it is incredibly hard to write about how I feel about it. It has such a special meaning to me that I cannot find a way to share it.

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